Introducing the The Inequality Asshole Index, spring 2011 edition

Thousands were left out

Today at Camplands we introduce our quarterly Inequality Asshole Index, a highly sophisticated graphic methodology that illustrates those at the forefront of generating unequal societies, relationships and/or dynamics. It is so complex we won’t attempt to explain it. We know grave omissions have been made; just now a war for oil is once again under way, with dozens of assholes lining up to shine. Thus, these coming weeks will determine our next summer index, while this one reflects on the past months.

We hope you enjoy and share this new scientific/statistical standard, soon to be compared to the Economist’s Big Mac Index. Or not. In any case, just so you understand how hard making this list is, neither Sarkozy, Glenn Beck or LeBron James made it. We’ll try to make it up to those guys in some other way.

Regards,

PF & ED

Research shows gated community dwellers not evil sect, just oblivious assholes

Open house events have proven popular with yuppies and demons

A recent study done in Darmstadt University of Technology examined the behaviour of gated community inhabitants, with somewhat surprising results. The research, a post-graduate thesis in the International Cooperation and Urban Development masters program, looked at the characteristics of gated community members, frequently ascribed to the lowest echelons of Social Justice’s structure, just above traditionally loathed G-8, African autocracies, Hummer drivers and organ-trafficking mafias.

Katsumi Al Sayer, author of the study Enclaving the Asshole: Myths and Truths on the Gated Communitarian, explained that her research is sure to conflict with traditional critiques which portray this type of dweller “as a cross between a lemming, a lifestyle fundamentalist and a minion of Satan. My critique on the critique is critical of this simplistic veil, and demonstrates these people share a lot in common with those who live outside their self-imposed seclusion. Actually, when doing the research, I realized my high-school friend Tammy lived in one of those, and I certainly enjoyed the time we spent smoking joints at night near the common swimming pool,” said Al Sayer, confident her work will garner attention beyond her thesis supervisor and boyfriend KJ.

Some of the findings include factual evidence that gated community dwellers do leave the enclaves frequently, they intermix with other citizens, work all kinds of well-payed jobs and, unexpectedly, have no disturbing rituals during their affiliation process. “It’s as if they are just regular people with enough cash to buy a house inside a walled perimeter because they are shit-scared. I was shocked while narrowing their profile, piecing all together and coming to realize this,” commented Al Sayer. “The main conclusion of the study, though, does hint at an already perceived notion: these people’s common ground is being total assholes. No way around it. Other than that, I could only add the somewhat alarming trend of most of them being, uhm… hot?” she concluded.

Specialized abuse push Fairtrade to introduce new logo family

From left: Fairtrade logo; Fair My Ass logo; new branding on blood bananas

Fairtrade released yesterday the first images of their upcoming logo family, set to begin a new, broader categorization of trade standards. The Fair My Ass label seeks to acknowledge the growing specialization in global markets of exploitative, one-sided economies, where labour rights are disregarded and maximum profit reigns supreme. Recent years have seen a rise in shady production practices but, despite this sector’s industrious effort to win through injustice, they remain largely ignored by the marketing world and field organizations.

Seeking to tackle this void, Fairtrade first looked at what caused this phenomenon. “It’s total crap. A lot comes from a person’s habits and perceptions. Humanity has a problem with spending less, with buying cheaper products. Farmers with sustainable produce and egalitarian work schemes are cashing in like crazy, controlling a market that once used to be universally unfair and just plain disgraceful. It is a shame how our values have been transfixed,” said spokesman Manoel Kiang. “The Fair My Ass label will enable producers showcase their dishonest products with pride, knowing that their repeated distortion of rights, law and ethics will be supported by a globally recognized standard. Plus, the logo is metaphorical and deep,” added an excited Kiang.

Several questioned companies attended the branding launch, hoping that Fair My Ass soon becomes part of the everyday commercial lexicon. The label will be included in companies websites and future packaging, if at all. “This is a landmark achievement for our industry. It is a shout out to the world and the stuck-up ethical movement that keeps putting us obstacles,” commented coffee plantation owner Guillaume Jayawardhana. “I want people to know it took a whole lot of abuse to produce this coffee… borderline slavery. With this nice little logo I will, at least, partially say thanks to those who believe in our methods by buying our products. And to the whiners out there: fair my ass, suckers,” he concluded.