Ban Ki Moon endorses Metallica song for international appeal

Moon has high hopes for his alliance with Metallica

After considering several candidates, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon said before the UN General Assembly that Metallica’s song Harvester of Sorrow will be the official soundtrack for the coming year’s appeal for relief aid. After the devastating effects of harvesting crises in Zimbabwe, Thailand, Nicaragua, Pakistan and many other countries, the UN has taken as a top priority to “render this global catastrophe as what it is…a fucking disaster,” said a visibly affected Moon. Getting Harvester of Sorrow is seen amongst pundits as a potential marketing coup for the UN, its powerful heavy sludge a winning card in desperate situations like these. The chorus phrase “Language of the Maaaaaad” was apparently what ultimately convinced Moon, tipping the balance over expected winner, Neil Young’s Harvest.

Schroeder's artwork to be used in official UN documents

Giovanni Gregoryakis of Vertigo Records was excited at the prospect of Metallica becoming the voice for global awareness initiatives. “People are not eating and shit. I’m sure Lars and James were trying to convey that desperation when they wrote the song. For sure, dude,” mentioned Gregoryakis, who added that there is still an ongoing negotiation over changing the line “Infanticide!” with something less shocking, like “The Planet Dies!” The partnership will see Harvester of Sorrow become the official song for all UN related public events, to be played the moment Moon enters the stage, similar to how songs are used with relief pitchers or wrestlers. The lyrics will be used in printed media too, highlighting the intricacies of poor harvesting, madness and turning the lie to truth. Arrangements are being made to include Brian Schroeder’s original artwork on the next cover of Trade and Development Report. “This song might be the first of many in our partnership with Metallica,” added Moon. “The International Labour Organization are looking forward to pump …And Justice for All, and the World Health Organization has its eyes all over Creeping Death.”