We Are The World and other charity records declared inhumane weapons

US Military training session; Bob Dylan has second thoughts on operation

Twenty-six years ago today, the United States launched one of its most controversial attacks, changing the paradigms of modern warfare and, in the process, raising an ethical debate that, until now, had remained unresolved. But in earlier hours this morning an addendum was signed to the Inhumane Weapons Convention (IWC), determining that We Are The World, Do They Know It’s Christmas? and other brutal charity records are, from now on, prohibited as engagement weapons.

Experts have historically appointed Bob Geldof as the mastermind that launched this tactic with the release of Do They Know It’s Christmas? in 1984. “Bob pioneered the African onslaught. He engineered this yet unknown strategy of in-your-face ignorance, musical self-complacence and bad hair, easing the way for what a few months later would be the Little Boy of them all,” said judge Carmen Babangida. Precisely, in March 1985 the United States upended their British allies by dropping the most calculated charity record of all time, We Are The World. Using previously unseen star-power and senseless lyrics, the song achieved chart domination while carefully solidifying the charity logic as a plausible way of international intervention. “What was impressive wasn’t how they created a billion dollar industry out of it,” added Babangida, “but that they managed to patronize a whole continent using Huey Lewis in the process. For that reason alone they’re all fuckers in my book.”

Following the announcement, the US Department of Defense issued a surprising apology to the international community, admitting the excessive use of the charity single as a tool of destruction. “From today on, we will abstain from using these weapons to inflict harm on innocent people. We have insulted them, punished our own musical taste and wasted everyone’s money over time. As a first measure we have detained Wyclef Jean,” says the statement.

“Furthermore, re-studying the video for We Are The World we noticed alarming elements that could be labelled as crimes on humanity beyond the actual song: the inclusion of John Oates in the chorus, La Toya Jackson’s bandana and Stevie Wonder’s sweaters. Plus, what the hell is Dan Aykroyd doing there at all? Definitely not our proudest moment. Only the Boss comes unscathed. From now on, we will resort to traditional de-stabilizing operations like oil price speculation, bribery and media distortion to get our point across as humanely as possible,” the statement concludes.

At press release, the news of Jean’s detention has raised speculation over a similar destiny with Bono, still at large from his “Tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you” lyrical crime in Do They Know Its Christmas?