Research shows gated community dwellers not evil sect, just oblivious assholes

Open house events have proven popular with yuppies and demons

A recent study done in Darmstadt University of Technology examined the behaviour of gated community inhabitants, with somewhat surprising results. The research, a post-graduate thesis in the International Cooperation and Urban Development masters program, looked at the characteristics of gated community members, frequently ascribed to the lowest echelons of Social Justice’s structure, just above traditionally loathed G-8, African autocracies, Hummer drivers and organ-trafficking mafias.

Katsumi Al Sayer, author of the study Enclaving the Asshole: Myths and Truths on the Gated Communitarian, explained that her research is sure to conflict with traditional critiques which portray this type of dweller “as a cross between a lemming, a lifestyle fundamentalist and a minion of Satan. My critique on the critique is critical of this simplistic veil, and demonstrates these people share a lot in common with those who live outside their self-imposed seclusion. Actually, when doing the research, I realized my high-school friend Tammy lived in one of those, and I certainly enjoyed the time we spent smoking joints at night near the common swimming pool,” said Al Sayer, confident her work will garner attention beyond her thesis supervisor and boyfriend KJ.

Some of the findings include factual evidence that gated community dwellers do leave the enclaves frequently, they intermix with other citizens, work all kinds of well-payed jobs and, unexpectedly, have no disturbing rituals during their affiliation process. “It’s as if they are just regular people with enough cash to buy a house inside a walled perimeter because they are shit-scared. I was shocked while narrowing their profile, piecing all together and coming to realize this,” commented Al Sayer. “The main conclusion of the study, though, does hint at an already perceived notion: these people’s common ground is being total assholes. No way around it. Other than that, I could only add the somewhat alarming trend of most of them being, uhm… hot?” she concluded.